Finally, everything came out...in tears

I thought today would be another usual day but haiz, in class got raping incident again. Whacking, constrains and many other sick actions but i was not involve in it. I didnt really bother, only stood there, looked at the helpless guy and laugh. Went self study in the afternoon because i didnt go for it for quite some time. Because of mock, remedial and just plain lazy i guess. Played in the self study area instead. Rubber band, hand phone, squeezeing ppl til they drop and many more. It was just hell fun.

Went home as usual, reached home around 5.30pm and took a shower. I took my time and also watched spongebob. Heard the doorbell rang and i know its my mum...turn off the tv unwillingly and went down to open the door for her. Ate bee hoon today soup one lol. Ok it was quite nice esp the fish cake. Do house chores and haiz, again got scolded. Throw rubbish forget close door...cut open the new packet of soap powder forget to throw it away...wash floor never wash clean...keep on smsing(only 1 only then she start nagging already).

Couldnt stand it anymore so just went up and went online to type an entry. I was also chatting to Sing Xuan at the same time. She came up and started nagging again.

"ask you do thing only so hard, is it really so difficult. How about your maths tuition, still want to fo or not. Can you next time open the window so can ventilate the place." It just goes on and on. I ignored all she said while i was chatting online and typing my entry. She got so pissed she slammed my keyboard and turned off my power. It was totally over the LINE. I slammed the chair and walked into my room. She shouted at me to come back there and i walked over pissed. She shouted and me and obviously being short tempered i shouted at her back again. She pointed a finger at me to ask me to shut up, not to argue or answer. I was like wtf la, i answer also wrong, dont answer also wrong. What you want me to do, follow you around like a dog ah...

She totally just stood there and scolded me and my sis is another ass, keep adding onto things. She thinks its damn fun is it, let her be the one getting scolded la. My father came back and i was called down to talk to him.

He told me that he give me everything and he never gives me restriction. What more do i want... I wanted to say that he only dont give a damn to what i do but i chose to keep quiet. It was then my tears started rolling down my cheeks. I told him. "I know you all brought me up, i know i have to listen to all of you because im the youngest in the family but have you all ever thought about me...am i not human at all?"

I just totally covering my face while tears keep flowing down my cheeks. Its been so long, so so long since i have cried. I always believe that im super strong, i have the power of will to drive me along but im wrong, everything just came out....in tears. I feel so weak, so useless and just hopeless. Its not that i never cried before but its so long and i didnt wanted to cry. I held it back but i guess the eyes just blasted it out. Nvm, i just have to train until i break down today, its the way i always draw all my energy to... i know its not good but i dont have a choice. Im sry if i have done this, i know many ppl care about me. I cant let ppl hear the weak side of me...i will not cry in front of anybody...i dont wanna be branded as a weakling...

Im sry ppl...if im not the way i am in school or while im talking, pls forgive me. I didnt choose to be like this.

Signing off,
the helpless wind